I just spent the past two weeks in India…

and my world has been rocked so hard by Jesus Christ that words cannot begin to explain my emotions right now.

I can’t do it.

Every time there is a chance of me becoming close with someone, I shy away. This isn’t always the case, but for some reason, I struggle to be real with a person and can easily sabotage a relationship. Sadly, this happened with my walk with Christ this weekend. It’s crazy how a few steps in the other direction can lead to a huge trip up.

Things were great, almost too great. I was growing closer with God and those around me, but something had to go wrong. When I felt like I couldn’t get anymore, I quit. After World Mandate, I was on a high! Everything was so wonderful and I was learning so much about God and who He is. I was experiencing and learning things that I was never taught while growing up. Needless to say, my relationship was getting stronger, I was beginning to understand how God feels for me and what he wants for me, but then I got scared. I broke away. I was afraid that there was nothing more that I could do, that that was all I could discover and so I ran.

I honestly didn’t want to put the effort in and I continued to push God away from me. That’s when everything fell out of my hands, out of my control. I have this stupid idea in my head that I can do it alone, that I don’t need God to help me in my day-to-day, but in the big picture is where I need him (because I want to know how God will use me in the future, RIGHT NOW). I honestly have prayed once about my internship, I never pray about my academics, or any other responsibility in my life, and I didn’t realize this until last week. To think that I thought I can handle all of this stress on my own is crazy. No wonder I feel the way that I do.

So as I realized this, I didn’t change it. I kept on going, I kept on checking out of my relationship with him because I was frustrated and then had the “I don’t have enough time” when he has given me every breath! Who do I think I am?

Needless to say, this spiral resulted in my weekend that was one of the strangest I’ve experienced. I indulged in the world in the little ways that I could, but it affected my thinking and attitude. This ended with Sunday, where I have never felt so off, where words cannot explain the emotions I felt. I still cannot explain it to you, but only know the cause of my hard day which rolled over into Monday…. and then part of Tuesday.

Things are better, I’ve begun to acknowledge the things that have gone wrong in these past two weeks and am in the process of fixing it. It is important for me to remember that I can’t do this alone. What a thought, I’m not superwoman who can handle all of the pressures and responsibilities. There is no way that I can “take the wheel” right now and drive it towards the future that God has in store for me. NO, I need to let Jesus take control of my life, to guide me where he wants me, to take my heart and lead it straight into his love and grace.

I don’t deserve it, I mess up repeatedly and it seems as though I may never learn, but today I’m getting things back on track. God gave me this time, so it is his, not mine. He can take it away at any point in time, but he continues to let me choose him because he chose me. I am forever thankful.